Hitman Agent 47: Offers No Reward for the Price of Admission

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Editor’s Notes: Hitman: Agent 47 is currently open in wide theatrical release.

All who possess the slightest inkling of enthusiasm for film know of the horrible, otherworldly awful, terrible history associated with video game adaptations. This sub-genre is home to nothing but boredom, pain, and hatred. Every so often, however, there is a glimmer of hope in a new project. Rumblings of a passionate crew behind a soon-to-be released adaptation inspire excitement among fanbases and filmgoers alike. “Maybe this time, it’ll be different, the first great video game movie,” we think. And sometimes, the result minimally fulfills one of those promises, managing to be different. Consider Need For Speed, a serviceable action movie but nothing more.

What we have here is Hollywood’s latest failed attempt at a franchise, complete with an ending that only exists to set up a sequel and make fans of the source material briefly forget they’re watching trash.

We’ve never seen greatness in this territory. Maybe the pressure of satisfying fans versus writing a challenging script is too much weight for creators to bear. Maybe connecting to a character on the big screen will never be the same as putting yourself in a video game character’s shoes, and writers still haven’t found ways to properly circumvent this fact. Whatever the case may be, audiences have become desperate, buying tickets to anything, hoping to discover the video game adaptation that will make all previous failures worth having suffered through. Now there’s Hitman: Agent 47 for the public to throw money at, and despite curiosity, they really, really shouldn’t.
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What we have here is Hollywood’s latest failed attempt at a franchise, complete with an ending that only exists to set up a sequel and make fans of the source material briefly forget they’re watching trash. Yes, Hitman: Agent 47 is trash, through and through. It’s not even trashy fun, it’s just banal, uninspired trash that wants to be The Matrix far too much. Not that it’s attempting to utilize a revolutionary sci-fi concept, just that it’s a sci-fi story featuring people who have “enhanced abilities” fighting a common enemy using several instances of slow motion. And that sci-fi story is a convoluted, braindead, awful one, told almost entirely through bland exposition. Here’s an attempted summary: Once upon a time there was a program, spearheaded by evil scientists, to engineer human beings with extraordinary skills known as Agents. After complications arose, it was shut down. In 2015, other evil scientists begin a revival, pursuing an army of militarized agents. Upon hearing this news, rogue Agent 47 attempts to track down a girl whose father holds the knowledge needed to properly engineer Agents. In a shocking twist, this girl is revealed to be an Agent herself, possessing strange telepathic powers. Together, they both aim to destroy the program that created them, all while being chased by the dastardly Zachary Quinto.

The script for his latest is just as devoid of life, energy, or creative structuring, and disappoints on all fronts.

If that sounds messy to you, it’s because the whole damn film is. There’s an incredible lack of coherence in its script, but that makes a lot of sense when you take a look at its writer. His name is Skip Woods. He’s written such masterpieces as The A-Team, X-Men Origins: WolverineSabotageA Good Day to Die Hard, and wouldn’t you know it, 2007’s Hitman. Now, nothing in this review is being said about the guy personally. He very well may be a nice person who isn’t aware of or ignores the negative reception his work receives. But, that doesn’t change the fact that his scripts drag talented casts and crews through the mud, nearly always resulting in horrible films. The script for his latest is just as devoid of life, energy, or creative structuring, and disappoints on all fronts.

Agent 47 is a character designed to be stoic and quiet, a blast to control onscreen, not observe. Watching him in Hitman: Agent 47 is the opposite of a blast, despite Rupert Friend’s efforts to make him enjoyable. There are moments where these efforts break through the awful exposition he’s forced to spew, but they’re few and far between. Hannah Ware does what she can with her cheesy retorts, being watchable but never atrocious. Zachary Quinto, on the other hand, tries and fails to be an imposing villain with laughable results. These three seem like they could make something competent together, but not using the material they’re saddled with. The only moments of solace in the entire film are found in dumb moments of action, lacking in stakes but delivering on a minimal sense of scale and inventiveness.

But when the good and the bad are combined, what we’re left with is something that offers no reward for the price of admission. It’s a toxic experience to watch Hitman: Agent 47, and one you should avoid at all costs.

1.8 UNBEARABLE

When the good and the bad are combined, what we're left with is something that offers no reward for the price of admission. It's a toxic experience to watch Hitman: Agent 47, and one you should avoid at all costs.

  • 1.8
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About Author

Brandon is attached to all forms of media, whether TV-related or social, but loves film the most. He strives to watch as much as possible, whenever possible.