I’m always reasonably sure that the hero in every story lives through the battle. But it’s never a given so I was a little afraid for Tyrion. I’m relieved to see that the imp lives. Not without a hideous scar or, even more devastating, a blow to his self-confidence. However, he’s alive. I’ll take it. Varys comes by to advise that they can’t be buds anymore, but he’s all for being imaginary friends. It seems that Tyrion has been stripped of his rank now that his father’s come back to claim his title as Hand. It was also his sister’s man who tried to kill him on the battlefield. Wow. The shit is really hitting the fan for my favorite. Not to worry though, he still has Shae. She wants him to leave King’s Landing with her because as she knows he’s not good at killing and fighting. But Tyrion wants to stay. He likes living dangerously.
Meanwhile, the cowardly Joffrey is busy giving out rewards to those who aided him in battle. Loras Tyrell is granted a request for bringing his army to fight against Stannis. He asks that Joff take his sister for his queen, which he does. Sansa never looked so happy. Until Lord Baelish warns her that this doesn’t mean she gets to go home. Apparently, the boy king doesn’t like giving away his toys and Sansa can look forward to future rapings and beatings. She should have left with the Hound when he asked. Baelish offers to help her. Um… like he helped her father?
Moving on to Jamie and Brienne on the road. I’m a fan of this odd couple. The Kingslayer keeps taunting Brienne about being a virgin and she refuses to rise to the bait. They encounter the hanging bodies of 3 women killed for sleeping with Lannister men. Of course, those rat bastards who killed them come back. They’re loyal to the Starks, but Brienne doesn’t care. She’s only loyal to Lady Catelyn, not the Starks (Yeah, we get it. Stop repeating yourself.) There’s a skirmish and the Lady knight gets to show off her badass fighting skills, which earns her some respect in Jamie’s eyes. I hope this doesn’t mean the snarky comments will stop. Now I’m wondering when these two will get it on. Come on! I can’t be the only one thinking this.
Back in Winterfell, Theon Greyjoy really has a hate-on for the hornblower whose making sure he knows that the Northern forces surround the castle. He’s screwed since he only has twenty men. He tries to rouse them with an inspirational word or two, but gets a blow to the head for his troubles. I’m not sure what’s going to happen the loser but I’m actually starting to feel sorry for him. No. I can’t. Take him away, STAT!
Bran and Co. sneak out of the tunnels under Winterfell and find their home burnt and dead people everywhere. They find Luwin dying in the Godswood and he tells them they have to leave and find Jon at the Wall. Geez. Winterfell is running out of loyal servants. I guess there’s no one left so they need to flee? Did the Northern army kill everyone? Weren’t they just supposed to kill the Greyjoys? I’m confused.
Arya, Gendry and Hot Pie (Still the best name ever!) are traveling away from Harrenhall when they see Jaqen. He offers to take Arya to Braavos so she can learn to kill everyone on her wishlist -kinda like learning how to be her own kill genie- but she declines. She tells him she needs to find her family. (Good luck with that. They’re everywhere!) Before leaving her, Jaqen gives her a coin so that she can call on him again when he’s needed. All she has to say is, “Valar Morghulis”. I don’t know about you, but I would never remember that. Arya bids Jaqen farewell and he replies that Jaqen is dead and his face changes. Creepy. Also, his old face was way better than the new one. Just me?
Jon’s still beyond the wall and a prisoner of that really hot redhead, Ygritte. Qhorin, whose also a prisoner, advises him he has to find out about the Wildlings and report back. He starts a swordfight so Jon is forced to kill him to gain their trust. It works. As soon as Jon skewers his mentor, his binds are removed. I guess all you gotta do is kill your comrade. Easy peezy.
Finally Kahleesi is back! She goes to the House of the undying and wanders around. She runs into Khal Drogo with her baby son. The kid has huge brown eyes, but no pupils. He’s super cute, but he’s a demon baby. Right? Ok I think that of most babies, but that one was definitely demon-ish. Anyway, Dany finds her baby dragons and they smoke the wizard guy and the chains that held her. It felt too easy. She’s powerless all season and suddenly the dragons are useful? How come they didn’t breathe fire before? It seems pretty lame, but I’m glad that I don’t have to suffer anymore whiny Khaleesi. I’m not down with that. Energized, she goes to Daxos place and locks him in his vault while she ransacks everything of value. I have to mention that suddenly her band of dwindling Dothraki have swelled. Where was she hiding them all season?
Rob and Stannis both have tantrums. Robb decides he needs to defy his Ma because DAMMIT he doesn’t want to marry a Frey girl. He wants his nurse! So he gets hitched. Maybe because his nurse may be preggers? How many times did he have her on the floor of the tent? Meanwhile, Stannis is super pissed about losing the battle of Blackwater and tries to take it out on the redhead priestess. Of course, she promises him more bullshit that he still believes and doesn’t end up killing her. Is he seriously gonna try again? Hopefully, someone at King’s Landing will deliver another him another bitchslap. I guess Tywin will have to do it since Tyrion has been demoted.
And back beyond the wall we hear three horn blasts from their fellow Rangers, which apparently means an ancient evil. Everyone runs for the hills except Sam who’s totally inept and can’t even run. Instead, he gets all confused and has to settle for hiding behind a rock. As much as I love Sam, having problems running away from the big bad is kinda pathetic. Sorry, but it is. In any case, the rock he hides behind doesn’t really shield him from the HUGE zombie Wildling army that’s marching toward the Wall. But the zombies ignore him and continue on their way. It must suck that you’re not even good enough to be part of a zombie horde.
But what really sucks is I have to wait a whole year to find out what happens next. What’s up with that HBO? They’ve really got us by the balls and we’ll all be jonesing like junkies by the time Season 3 starts up.
Withdrawal starts now.