Editor’s Notes: The following review is a part of Matthew Blevins’ weekly series Cult Pics and Trash Flicks
So you’re a white minion part of an evil genocidal plan that uses genetic trickery to target every black person on the face of the earth, and you came here for a few tips on how to survive a blaxploitation film. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. I get that all the time, so I present this article to appease all of you honkies out there in cinema land who may have found yourselves in the unfortunate position of having Fred Williamson, Jim Brown, or Jim Kelly’s feet entrenched three feet deep in your tiny white ass. If you’ve found yourself in this unfortunate and inescapable predicament, you are probably wearing a red beret, have somehow managed to enter the righteous universe of Three the Hard Way, and are most likely going to die in a car explosion. There isn’t a lot I can do for you nor would I want to if I could, but I’ve studied Three the Hard Way and have made a helpful list of observations to help you through the rest of your short, doomed existence.
If your boss takes his branding design cues from the Nazi party and his uniform design cues from Saddam Hussein, then there is the strong possibility that his plan is a ripe target for foiling and maybe it’s time to jump off the doomed turkey train.
The first thing you’re gonna want to ask yourself is if it is worth the sanctity of your unbroken ass to take part in the schemes of a stubby white-supremacist with a complete lack of imagination where branding is concerned. If your boss takes his branding design cues from the Nazi party and his uniform design cues from Saddam Hussein, then there is the strong possibility that his plan is a ripe target for foiling and maybe it’s time to jump off the doomed turkey train. It’s understandable with the harsh economic realities of today’s world making any form of employment seem desirable, and little red berets combined with khaki fatigues being irresistibly snazzy in your fashion-stunted honky brain, but one must consider all factors before even thinking about jumping in with an unknown group of bigots so as not to make your experience as a genocidal minion an unpleasant one. Go to a company party and see how you interact with the other minions, because everyone knows that there ain’t no party like a Nazi party because a Nazi party don’t stop, but most importantly you get to find out how you interact with the other morons and bigots in a social setting and it gives you the invaluable opportunity to size up your competition. You don’t want to get three weeks into your new gig as the Man’s pawn before you find out that you’ve managed to piss off Fred Williamson, Jim Brown, AND Jim Kelly as any one of those guys on the opposing team is a surefire recipe for unmitigated disaster.
Let’s take a look at Fred Williamson for starters. He has the ability to make cars explode before they hit the ground, definitely a vital piece of information you’ll want to keep in mind before engaging him in a firefight. If you approach Fred Williamson in a moving vehicle with even the slightest of hostile intentions you WILL die in a ball of flames and hot bits of hooptie shrapnel. How did he obtain this physic-defying ability, you ask? He’s Fred Fucking Williamson is how. That should be all you really need to know to completely derail any thoughts about joining any team that Williamson doesn’t play for in the first place, but also know that approaching him on foot is an equally dubious proposition. You’ll spend weeks in minion training camp and still never receive this critical piece of information because the Man’s recruiters are as duplicitous as they are fashion-impaired.
Next we move on to Jim Brown, Williamson’s best friend and partner in action that will be joining in the fight against your translucent tush. His luxurious chest hair and gold medallion configuration will dazzle you into submission before you get the chance to take the first shot, and his afro purportedly has the ability to absorb bullets. Such rumors should be taken at face value with all of the facts given appropriate consideration, but on more than one occasion at least twelve of the Man’s best have tried to take him down with assault rifles and a seemingly endless supply of ammunition only to shipped back to their mamas in envelopes, nothing more than a swatch of red beret attached to a chunk of white assmeat to show for a lustrous career of minioning. He also has nine years of experience as an NFL running-back that will ensure that your portly white ass won’t be beating him in a footrace in this or any number of theoretical parallel universes. His in-film career as the owner of a PR firm will ensure that his style will always be more swagalicious than your own, and he has almost certainly had sex with your girlfriend while you’ve been reading this article.
…at least twelve of the Man’s best have tried to take him down with assault rifles and a seemingly endless supply of ammunition only to shipped back to their mamas in envelopes, nothing more than a swatch of red beret attached to a chunk of white assmeat to show for a lustrous career of minioning.
Finally we move on to Jim Kelly, the only name the mind can muster when forced to think of black guys in kung-fu movies. He’s as stylish as he is deadly, and can take down half a dozen uniformed police officers without even wrinkling his silk karate gi, an outfit more stylish than anything you’ve got in your khaki-filled closet. He’s grappled with Bruce Lee and lived to tell the tale and his afro has more proficiency in martial arts than most Taekwondo instructors have in their entire body. His character has the audacity to carry the first name of “Mister” so that your lily-white ass will be forced to always address him with respect, and the highly successful “Mister Keyes School of Karate” comes with its own set of minions ready to back him up should you forget that little fact. He’ll chop you down like a sapling should you find yourself within melee range of his 6’2” frame, which if you were to check behind you right now you will most likely find that you’re already there.
So there you have it, jive turkeys and turkettes, if you have any hope of surviving as a minion in the Man’s genocidal army you should probably pick a different film to do it in than Three the Hard Way. Still not convinced? Try to keep in mind that these three superheroes also have color coordinated foxes to do their dirty work using mysterious forms of topless sadomasochistic torture that you don’t even wanna know about. Their tracksuits match their motorcycles and they do most of their work topless, making them a more formidable force than any genocidal maniac with delusions of grandeur. If you are still determined to stay amidst the doomed ranks of the Man’s minions then I can’t say that you weren’t amply warned. What’s that sound in the garage you ask? Your car just exploded. How? Fred Fucking Williamson, that’s how.
[notification type=”star”]TAKE THE EASY WAY, MAN. If you are still determined to stay amidst the doomed ranks of the Man’s minions then I can’t say that you weren’t amply warned. What’s that sound in the garage you ask? Your car just exploded. How? Fred Fucking Williamson, that’s how.[/notification]