The time’s gone by so fast and here we are at the second last episode. We’ve been building toward this battle for weeks now and finally, it’s here. I have to be honest, I’m not sure whose side I should be on. Joffrey’s a crap king. The little shit talks big, does little and loves to hurt people cause he can. But I can’t imagine the seven kingdoms being ruled by Stannis Baratheon. This man is absolutely humorless and his main counsel is a red headed priestess whose sanity isn’t quite all there. He also has a shadow baby who killed his younger brother. Basically, the people of Westeros are screwed either way. However, I’m on Tyrion’s side, always. So I guess that means I’m Team Joffrey? Sigh. The things I endure for you imp.
Stannis’ ships quickly making their way toward King’s Landing. Meanwhile, inside the castle Shae’s seeing Tyrion off with some last minute “I’m going to war” sex. Cersei is obtaining some nightshade poison from Pycelle, which can’t be good. Bronn and his men are having a last drink at a local Tavern. They’re interrupted by the Hound, who decides to pick a fight with the sellsword. I’d pay to see this. Forget all those pay per view fights in Vegas. But I’m denied. The bells begin tolling announcing Stannis’ arrival.
We see Tyrion putting on his armour and Varys says that he believes him to be the only person to be able to stop Stannis. Varys then presents a map of all the secret tunnels at King’s Landing, hinting that if anything should happen Tyrion should make a run for it. I’m sensing a lack of confidence. Before the battle we see Tyrion and Bronn shake hands and again the imp is nagging instructions about something being far enough in. Something’s afoot!
Meanwhile, Sansa’s been summoned by Joffrey to see him off to battle. He wants her to kiss his sword- No not that sword. He’d only torture the poor girl instead. Remember the whores??? The King brags his new sword, Hearteater, will soon have his uncle’s blood on it. Sansa innocently asks him if he’ll be fighting outside the gates and advises that’s what her brother, Robb, would do. Joffrey blusters that of course he will be, but then spits that he doesn’t discuss battle plans with stupid girls. Yeah. Quite a comeback there Joff. Basically the equivalent of a four year old’s response of, “Well, you’re stupid. So there!”
Everyone’s gathered on the battlements and Joffrey’s freaking cause there are no ships sailing out to meet Stannis. He begins threatening Tyrion, who advises that if he has him killed he can’t give the signal. Whatever that is. But once he does, Bronn releases a flaming arrow and an empty ship ignites and green wildfire explodes taking out a massive amount of ships, which include the one with Davros and his son on it. But that’s not enough. Apparently Stannis has many more and they land on the shore and begin laying siege to the castle. But wow! That wildfire explosion was intense!
While the battle rages, all the women and children are inside, including Cersei and Sansa. I love that the Queen Reagent decides to get all drunk ass during the battle. Can I say Cersei’s my other favorite next to her halfling brother? We’re suppose to love Tyrion cause he’s the real hero of the series, but I love how flawed this woman is. She’s bitter at being forced to marry, that she wasn’t a boy and she wants to take that out on everyone. She strongly encourages Sansa to join her and sneers at her hymns and prayers, lecturing her that a woman’s best weapons is “what’s between her legs” rather than faith. Cersei spies Shae and starts criticizing her curtsy and questioning her background. Even drunkety drunk, this woman’s instinct is to dig for dirty details.
Meanwhile, while the wildfire certainly made a huge impression on Stannis’ army, there are still plenty more ships and men left. They come ashore and the ladders go up. Stannis is one of the first men on the ladder, eager to claim the castle as his. I’m surprised he didn’t climb up chanting “Mine, mine, mine!” Joffrey is in full panic mode. Instead of going out to lead the men, he seizes on Lancel advising him Mummy needs him and runs away. Of course, now his army wants to do the same. Tyrion to the rescue! He rouses the men by pointing out that he’s considered half a man so what does that make everyone else?
Shae convinces Sansa that she needs to leave right away but stays behind saying she needs to say goodbye to someone first. Does this mean she’s going to leave Tyrion? Maybe she is just saying that. Sansa runs to her room and finds the Hound there waiting for her. He offers to take her home to Winterfell. I guess the Hound is leaving Joffrey’s service. Good for you! Maybe he’ll get back to that epic fight with Bronn. I’ll bring popcorn.
Tyrion’s out there leading the men in a sneak attack on Stannis’ men. They manage to take out all those by the gate but there’s more men running toward them. Suddenly, he’s attacked by one of his own men. Tyrion goes down! Sob!
Cersei shut herself up in the throne room with Tommen in her lap. She’s telling him a story, all the while uncapping the vial of nightshade. But wait! The doors burst open and it’s Daddy dearest. The day is saved!
Only one episode left to find out where Arya’s escaped to, if Dany’s got her dragons back and to get update on what’s happening at Winterfell. Is Jon Snow is dead yet? And where the hell is Jamie Lannister? But really, all I want to know is how much shit Cersei’s gonna get from Tywin cause you know he don’t suffer fools and all that. I already know Tyrion is alive and well. I refuse to believe otherwise. I don’t know how this all this is gonna fit in one episode.